Catching up with MJ the Dragonfly
There I was, last Friday night, standing on a red carpet, with a statuette labeled “Best Music Video,” in my hand, cameras flashing, as the other award winners and I posed for the group shot.
On this anniversary check-in with MilSpoFAN I feel I have fit years of living into the last 12 months. For the last year, my second diagnosis of breast cancer has felt like it was hijacking my artistic endeavors (I don’t recommend it). I had things I wanted to do! However, looking back, the last year has launched my artistic presence like never before.
I’ll get to listing the creative highlights of the year later, but I’ll begin by telling you about the most recent adventure and surprising opportunity – which ended with that film festival statuette in my hand.
All three of my music video submissions were selected and shown throughout the First City Film Festival in Leavenworth, Kansas. Two of those videos were always shown one right after the other. “Give Her What She Wants” is a sexy Santa song. It was filmed with the purpose of celebrating what I was about to lose in my double mastectomy, my breasts. “January Song” was written between my surgeries in early 2022 and the music video was recorded that summer. Imagine, if you will, a woman playing the guitar on a street corner, singing, wearing short shorts, cowboy boots, and nothing on her torso - but her scars. This is the award-winning film. If you’d rather see it than imagine it, I will include the link at the end of this article.
The first screening of my two films together was a bit of a slow-motion experience for me. Not only was “Give Her What She Wants,” my brainchild - but it was also my music, my lyrics, my voice, and my body up there on the screen. I felt very vulnerable, but also very strong about the messages we were bringing to the world.
As the audience applauded my first film, I felt a rush of excitement, anxiety, and anticipation for “January Song” to begin. The air felt thick in my chest as I hoped the weight of the next film would land on each of those in the theater. “January Song” started, the guitar chords rang out, and my scars in the sunlight took front stage. A lady behind me leaned over to the man beside her, asking, “Is that the same lady?” Yep, it landed.
After all the films from that block were shown, the filmmakers in the audience were invited to the front for a Q&A session. These are the words I prepared for that occasion:
I had to be brave to do it, but I didn’t do it to be brave.
My hope is that when people see this and think “That’s a brave lady,” - they will feel like being brave is a little more within reach. Maybe someday - shaking off the shame of scars and trauma won’t require bravery. Maybe the countless hiding in shame, feeling like freaks, will see that scars are everywhere, and that scars are normal.
So much energy is wasted on shame instead of living. So much of my life was spent this way, especially after my first time with cancer 18 years ago. My second cancer diagnosis broke me, it made me angry enough to fight against the lie that scars should be hidden. My story includes breast cancer, but this is about all scars. Scars of war, scars of abuse, scars of mental health crisis.
Yes, showing our scars reveals our story. We might feel shame for some of these stories. But when our shame keeps us hidden, emotionally paralyzed, heaping all the physical and emotional discomfort on ourselves - so the world doesn’t have to deal with seeing us… we trade our lives for a half-life and our trauma wins.
I hope to throw some elbows with this work I’m doing socially and artistically. I’m throwing elbows to carve out space for others like me. Others like those in this room who won’t wear shorts because of a knee surgery, those whose teenage acne leads to never going out without first putting on makeup… those who only feel comfortable showing themselves - if the onlookers understand their condition. Maybe we can raise our expectation of society to own their ignorance. We’ll get there as our culture becomes used to seeing scars, of many kinds. When we all stop hiding, we realize we aren’t alone.
Pain is one of the most isolating experiences. When we can look up, even in our pain, and see a fellow sufferer, our burden is lighter - because the isolation is over.
This is my goal. To break the isolation of pain and shame, to create human connection and relieve suffering; to relieve my own suffering, and the suffering of those willing to connect with me.
I was pleased, throughout the weekend, to hear the positive responses and to speak with the many who have been touched by breast cancer. I felt connected.
As this was my first film festival, both as an attendee and as a participant, it was a ripe environment for artistic growth. Here’s what I noticed:
Being around passionate creators – passionate, vulnerable, and brave creators – inspires my own passion, bravery, and authentic creative flow. I plan to seek this out more.
Film festivals have a personality of their own – if one doesn’t fit your film genre/style, find another one that does. (Please apply to any type of creative festival, music, crocheting, painting, baking. You are not alone in your passions/weirdness. Find your tribe.)
Small-town film festivals (local farmers markets, church bazaars, etc.) are a solid place to build your portfolio and to learn, in my case, how to “film-fest.”
Don’t wait until you are “ready” to start to share your creations. Once you start to share, you will find that you belong – and that you were probably “ready” long ago.
My family and I were only going to be here at Fort Leavenworth, KS for a year while my husband completed the CGSC course. However, we had to change direction to facilitate my medical care. It has now been almost two years since we arrived and in the coming weeks we are saying goodbye. Now that I am CANCER FREE and my reconstructive surgeries are over, it is time to move on! Not only are we leaving Leavenworth, we are also ending our time as an Active Duty Military Family. James has completed 20 years of service and is retiring. We are so excited for this next adventure.
As promised, here are some highlights of the past year:
Recording and publishing my second and third solo songs on all streaming platforms. (January Song & Leavenworth). Releasing two music videos (one just got awarded “Best Music Video” at the First City Film Festival last weekend)
Started a TikTok channel with multiple viral videos surrounding my cancer journey: Life After The Storm
Playing twice at the beautiful Pirtle Winery, in Weston, MO
Interviewing Luck 20 – a Kansas City jazz fusion band, which aired in D.C. on WERA 96.7
I flew to Virginia for a reunion trip with my rock band MAAM
I joined a taping of StageCraft, a weekly radio show, at the new Inner Ear location in Arlington, VA
I hired a vocal coach
I submitted three music videos to First City Film Festival
I played two sets at Righteous Tattoo in Leavenworth, KS to fundraise for the local arts community
Joined LV Arts, where I met the film festival director
Maintained my blog and website: mjthedragonfly.com
Whew! Imagine what I could have done without cancer getting in the way or, perhaps, cancer is what fueled this artistic propulsion . . .
As my family moves forward I will keep writing and recording music, I will continue writing my book, and I will prepare to engage in paid public speaking engagements.
Thank you MilSpoFAN for the wonderful work you do to connect this incredible tribe of creatives.
-MJ
“Give Her What She Wants,” “January Song,” and the third film selected for this film festival, “Leavenworth,” can all be seen on my website at this link:
http://mjthedragonfly.com/videos/
Instagram & Facebook:
@mjthedragonfly
TikTok:
Life After the Storm
YouTube:
MJ the Dragonfly
or
Visit my blog and website!